Epiphany

I put some new pics up! Have a look at last post I made yesterday.

This is by fat the most hippy, self-assuring, soul searching wank I'm sure to write on here but I feel enlightened and spiritual so bare with me if you fancy a good read/laugh!

"You cannot be the person they know and the great, glorious person you want to become. Not at the same time. The people who really, actually loved us... they'd beg us to go. To fulfill our dream. Practice our craft. And they would love us when we came back".
Re-reading Chuck Palahniuk's 'Haunted' again and that quote appealed to me and seemed really apt! (This may grow to be quite a ramble so apologies if I go on a bit - just stop reading and do some work!!)

Being out here and away from all the stress of social politics, uni etc really has enabled me the chance to relax, feel inspired, reflect, and work out what it is I really want to do with my life. Without souding Holy and all Oscar acceptance speech, I am so grateful and thankful for my family, not only for financially abling me to do the things that I do- go to uni, live in Brighton, go travelling - but also for supporting me and encouraging me to do it. Getting all soppy, I feel the greatest sense of freedom and just general excitment of what I get to do next. Guess you could say I feel refreshed? Reminded of what's how there and how GOOD life can be! I think you know, mum and Charlie especially, how stressed I started to feel after leaving Brighton, worrying about uni, my future, career, my love life, life in general!! Matters and trivial stuff that completely overwhelm at the time but in retrospect can be seen clearly.

I can't say exactly what's triggered all this sudden calm state of mind and clarity(maybe it's the over dose of vitamin D from the sun!) but it's friggin awesome and this is probably the happiest and most settled in life, I've ever been. I'm seeing and learning so much and realizing there's so much more outside of the UK! Definitey thinking I might have to move abroad after uni for a bit - not just for soul reasons but my death hands and feet are no longer deathy! I haven't turned purple once and am thinking might seriously approach the NHS and request funding to live in a warmer climate... I can dream. But seriously, once I've finished uni, hoping to maybe short- term move to Valencia and finish this book with Fern then who knows! Getting to grips with Spanish and when I get back, plan on finding a tutor at uni.

As much as I love Brighton and it will always feel an integral part of home, I can't really picture myself moving back there.. Not in the next few immediate years anyway. I love the place, I love the people, the nightlife and the atmosphere, but career-wise, nothing really happens there. Sounds really poncey and profound but Brighton litereally holds no job opportunities unless you're in a band or a DJ, or want to work in the hospitality trade. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely LOVED working at the Tin Drum and met some of the best people ever there (Kat and Ash - adopted sisterhood forever haha!), but unless I set up and run my own bar with Lyd's (definitely an option), can't really see myself moving back there. Maybe when I'm older but not before I try my hand at writing.

So many things have happened out here that I'm not even fully aware of! Unintentionally and I guess, accidentally given up smoking! Know it's only been just over a week and I've done this a thousand times before, but I don't even fancy one and the thought makes me feel a bit ill. Gone past the 3-day crave fest so feeling good about not wanting one. Hoorah! Know more annoying myself when I get pissed and buy baccy then smoke it just for the sake of it. SMOKE FREE ROMY! Let's make it last. Another thing, after Thursday night and having my head stuck down a toilet, (and you're going to love this mum!), after don't know how many years, I actually thought and analyzed al the reasons why I insist on binge drinking and consuming all the vodka in Chestfield. I never really used to drink so much until I properly moved to Brighton, and beleive me, of all the places (apart from Leeds!) Brighton can DRINK. Until Thursday, I hadn't actually puked off alcohol since my first shift at the Tin Drum when me, Ash and Gareth drank a whole bottle of Tuaca between us and Lord knows how I felt the next day, and sure Lydia remembers the smell and state of our bathroom and my bin... But yes, no more appauling booze binging for me because some hungover mornings, actually make me feel like I would rather have my leg chewed off by wild badgers then smell vodka again. **I am very aware that this might sound rich and unrealistic but I've been so content just spending time, reading, writing and thinking. Barcelona was by far, one of the best weeks ever and me and Whiz had such a good time. Guess I'm just relaxed within my life and looking forward to the future and approaching with this hopefully maintained, clear mind-set. Yes, I still know me and recognise I love a pint of cider/double vodka, lime and soda as much as the next (and a line of k/spalsh of MD on special occassions) but all in moderation and not every night to avoid boredom. Amen.

So with all that in mind! let me proceed onto the vague roughness of my new life plan! We have..

- Every intention to work flat out at uni, obtain my first and have fun experimenting with photography. There might be a line of work in there somewhere..
- Possibly move to Valencia and get this book sorted with Fern. Maybe work as an Au Pair as everyone knows how much I love kids and would definitely help promote my language skills.
- Publish our book, maybe fit in a tour inbetween (Sev get working on your credibility and tour managing skills and let's start working for Britney or Mumford!)
- Hopefully, our book will become a roaring success, we'll appear on Jonathon Ross (ha!) and be allowed to focus our talent onto many other projects invovling film and TV (love to experiment with producing/directing and acting. That be sweet!)

And somewhere, in between all of this, I'm going to save the world, get married, buy a house, a goat, a donkey and a llama, and have lots of babies. The End.
Hahaha well that's the plan anyhoo I'l pribably read this back in ten years time and cry my eyes out as I sit, surrounded by cats, in mine and Beki's caravan, off my head on smack, wishing I was on Jeremy Kyle.

Still plan on travelling as much as I can. Think once feeling really confident with my Spanish, South America and the Amazon is definitely on the cards! When money permits, Charlie and I are taking ourselves to LA to find Marissa's beach hut, then onto Hawaii. Thailand, New Zealand, Vietnam.. there's so much I want to see!! Show me the money and I'm getting on that plane lol

Really, really miss Phoebe today. Wish to God this laptop had a camera so I could persuade mum to let me skype her haha Had a really REALLY bizarre dream about our old cat Pepsi last night, anyone remember her? She was white with a black spot and got her stomach cut open on Don Bower's fence one time. Anyone remeber here? What the douche happened to that cat?! Did she die or did we sell her? Random. I think her spirit contacted me last night like Ian did the day that he died (For all of you that didn't know, Ian Curtis hung himself on my birthday and I'm convinced his soul went into me). Ha! Be so good if it had. R.I.P Curtis x legend.